Reading: Labor's dastardly secret plan for Australia

There's something about the way Phillip Adams writes that often rubs me up the wrong way - he's clearly highly intelligent but possibly just a little self-satisfied. (My friend Buj assures me he is a fantastic presenter and interviewer on the radio though.)

On occasion though, he absolutely drills it and his piece in The Australian (a generally repugnant right wing Murdoch rag in which he plays token lefty) on the weekend was an absolute pearler.

It beautifully makes light of the increasingly shrill and desperate smear and fear campaign that John Howard is bringing forth about the possibility of a Rudd Labor Government by dramatically exposing Kevin Rudd's secret plans for the country.

Here it is in it's full glory:

"We're facing annihilation," John Howard told his weekly meeting with Coalition MPs, referring to his Government. As a consequence, so are we. We being us - 20 million Australians. For make no mistake: if Howard goes, we're all stuffed.

A secret report, prepared in the Prime Minister’s office, has been leaked to trusted journalists. But I got one anyway.

First of all, under a Rudd government, homosexuality will be compulsory. The confetti from gay marriages will blow blizzard-like through our churches and fall like heavy snow on the footpaths outside registry offices. Subsuming all other festivals, the Mardi Gras will shove Anzac Day aside, forcing veterans to march in the side streets. The traditional Aussie salute, employed to brush away the blowies, will become limp-wristed and Kevin Rudd will stack the High Court with drag queens who’ll also take over as weather girls, nuns, nurses and Qantas hosties.

From coast to coast, deviance and decadence will destroy the last skerricks of decency. Family values will be irrevocably trashed. Unprotected by Howard and his ministers, the bathrooms of the nation will cease to play a role in personal hygiene and will be used instead to produce hydroponic marijuana. The lounge rooms of Australia will reek from reefers. You’ll have to protect your pets from outbreaks of bestiality.

Cannibalistic trade unionists will eat employers. Others will prowl places of business, forcing workers into socialist slavery. Entrepreneurs, merchant bankers and other producers of wealth will be dragged through the streets in ACTU tumbrels to the guillotines erected in Frank Lowy’s shopping malls. The decapitated noggins of Macbank millionaires will be displayed on pikes in Sydney’s Martin Place. The stock market will collapse and real estate values will follow family values down the toilet. Hyperinflation will force families to sell their children into prostitution or for medical experiments. Within weeks it will cost millions for a loaf of bread and shoppers will use their trolleys to lug devalued currency to the checkouts.

As Rudd’s megalomania grows he’ll become the Robert Mugabe of the South Pacific; Opposition politicians will be subject to the Pacific Solution, with Philip Ruddock spending future Christmases on Christmas Island. Even worse, the English will refuse to play cricket with us.

Robert Manne will become Australia’s first President. Ric Birch, the Busby Berkeley of great public occasions, will synchronise vast crowds in North Korean-style celebrations of Kev Il-Sung, our glorious leader. The ABC, chaired by Phillip Adams with Bob Ellis as managing director, will be simulcast on all radio stations and TV channels. The erstwhile commercial networks will still be used for mind-control experiments, but the emphasis will change from US and corporate propaganda to ACTU/ALP indoctrination, previously limited to the ABC.

The “coalition of the willing” will be abandoned, our alliance with the US immediately cancelled and Movie World closed on the Gold Coast. Posh private schools will be bulldozed. All right wings will be removed from Qantas aircraft, as will millions of magnets from Australian fridges. Terrorism will be actively encouraged via grants from the Australia Council.

In a radical attempt to control global warming, all exports of coal will be rounded up for return to Australia and reburial in the Hunter Valley, but not until the harbourfront mansions of Liberal-voting billionaires have drowned beneath rising sea levels. Only Kirribilli will be saved for Kev Il-Sung, our glorious leader.

The show trials of Howard, Costello, Downer and Abbott, judged guilty in advance, will be screened by the ABC. Robbed of the object of their passionate detestation, Howard Haters will be given grief counselling. Covered by Medicare.

Private patients will be dragged from their hospital beds, Advance Australia Fair replaced by The Internationale, lobotomies performed on Quadrant readers and anyone who cannot recite at least half the writings of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Abu Ghraib experts imported to extract confessions from Liberal voters, electoral laws modified (one unionist, two votes), ASIO replaced by the Fabian Society, and Gough Whitlam’s self-beatification officially endorsed by the new head of the Catholic Church in Australia, Cardinal Keating.

Millions of Muslim refugees will arrive on luxury liners run by government-subsidised people smugglers, to be granted immediate vacant possession of Liberal-owned homes. Aborigines will make land claims on your barbecue area. In line with Kev Il-Sung’s language preferences, Mandarin will be mandatory in kindergartens.

Well, that’s the first chapter in the leaked document, prepared by ASIO, ASIS and the ONA. The PM’s office has denied there’ll be a fear campaign in the run-up to the federal election.